the aftermath

so i just thought id recap what ive been thinking about the aftermath of your death, how we go on, with a conversation between me and bev:

ah i see... this life of ours not always easy. its weird you think everyone else is having a good time or having it easy, but in fact, its just as hard at times... anyways, enuf Introspective!

Bevan: well said -

my mom always said to me:

Bevan

Life is hard

and I never really understood her

I would always aim for the stars and think everything would be cool and there would be no problems

that the family life I knew growing uo would never change

and ja,

it does

and then we just deal with it

and in a weird way we become better people

I think

we have more dpeth and we feel more

and understand pain

and appreciate happiness

so that is beautiful

but painful

getting there that is

Courtenay: wow well said... yeah if you aimed high then nobody could get you... with a perfect little family behind you you would always be the best if you just put time in. but yep you're right, the more hardship the more we understand these things, the better we can cope and perhaps it brings us happiness... nobody said it was easy to the top. or building a perfect life. but we gain appreciation from pain too.

This is the hardest

Dear Rat,

Wow, not really sure where to start.... they told me if i kept a diary or wrote you that it would be easier to cope with. i decided to blog it cause you know i love computers. do you even know what a blog is?

Wow dude, this is so very unexpected. Okes have been so very supportive, facebook and email has been going nuts!

Hope you're so very well though, i think you're probably in a really good place. So i'd like to believe. Anyways, lots of questions for you, i think we're probably going to find out a lot about you very soon...

They are going to be things you didnt want us to know for all these years ratty. Things you didnt want us to know at all, the things that obviously ashamed you. But maybe not, we're not sure. Most importantly the happy pieces of your life, im so keen to hear the Tulsa side of your life, the one that eventually broke you. Im not gonna lie, im pretty angry with you, but i know you didnt do it on purpose which is what keeps me going. you were just so extreme.

Im going to do this in small installments, i think its probably a bit easier for me. I havent told mom yet, but Lee Moon told her it might be easier to do the same thing.

im pretty sure you can read this, unfortunately i dont think you'll be able to leave a reply which is what hurts the most. either way, ill try my best to keep it up. itll be good.

tell you what, if we get loads of followers then ill put some ads on then donate all the proceeds to Ethan. but im a pretty bad writer so i dont think itll come to easy.

cheers ratty
jackers